Setting Healthy Boundaries_identifying personal boundaries
What exactly are boundaries? Is setting up boundaries selfish? What happens if you unintentionally offend someone when setting boundaries? These might be some of the questions you might be pondering, especially if boundaries are something foreign and unfamiliar to you.
Boundaries are imperative to establish a healthy balance between your needs and others. Setting up boundaries serves as your guidelines for creating your personal space. Boundaries not only keep you physically safe but also protect you spiritually and emotionally.
Considering that our desires, needs, and preferences vary from one another, the key to creating proper boundaries is in you. Only you know your limits and your comfort zones. However, it is easier said than done. As Brene Brown puts it, ‘
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.”
Setting up boundaries is often misunderstood as a selfish act, unkind, or mean. Society has taught us that putting oneself above others is selfish when, in fact, it is an act of self-care. Hence, this led to most people compromising their boundaries, which could lead to strains in relationships. This is when setting healthy boundaries can come into play – to help relationships thrive, free from feelings of resentment, disappointment, and violations. This is because the consistency of putting other people’s needs before your own essentially sends out the message to others that it is okay for you to be mistreated.
This should not be the message you should be giving to others. You should want to value yourself enough to prioritize your needs, and to be treated with respect and kindness
These are several examples of boundaries you deserve to have:
1. Physical boundaries
Physical boundaries address your needs for personal space, your comfort with physical touches, and your basic needs to rest, eat, and drink.
For example, some people find it to be completely comforting and acceptable to hug and kiss upon the first meeting. While others find it to be invasive and uncomfortable. It varies in individuals. Therefore, what might be acceptable and comfortable for you might not be for others. This is why it is crucial to set boundaries and let others know of your limits. It is completely okay to inform others of your limits and your wants for space.
Healthy physical boundaries may sound like these:
- I feel uncomfortable with hugs. Shall we shake hands instead?
- Do not touch my face without my permission.
- My room is my personal space. Could you knock on the door before entering?
When you find yourself in physical situations that bring about anxiety and discomfort, there is a chance your physical boundary is being violated. Being firm and vocal on your boundary can help make you feel safe and confident.
2. Emotional boundaries
Emotional boundaries address the limits of your internal emotional experience. Setting emotional boundaries helps you to recognize just how much emotional energy you are capable of taking in from others. Alongside other emotional interactions that could drain your energy. To know your emotional boundary is to know when to share and when not to share information with others. Knowing when to limit emotional sharing to people who respond poorly is also a form of emotional boundary.
Respecting emotional boundaries would mean validating feelings of others and respecting their abilities to take in information.
These are some examples of violations of emotional boundaries:
- When you take responsibility for other people’s feelings and actions
- Allowing other people’s feelings to dictate yours
- By sacrificing your own (emotional) needs to please others
- “Emotionally dumping” on others without their consent
- Criticizing, dismissing, and invalidating feelings
It is crucial to be aware of your limits and your tolerance level for your emotional experience with others. Otherwise, it could deteriorate your mental health.
Healthy emotional boundaries may sound like these:
- I’m going through something difficult myself. I am not in a place to take in more information and hear what is on your mind. Do you think we can come back to having this conversation later?
- Something terrible happened to me last night. Do you think you are in a place to listen?
- I’m aware that we don’t go through the same thing in life. But whenever you dismiss my struggles and problems, it makes me feel invalidated and bad.
- After listening to a friend’s struggles, I am allowed to emotionally recuperate by going to a party without feeling guilty
3. Sexual boundaries
Sexual boundaries address the importance of consent, respect, and understanding of preferences, desires, and privacy. Setting sexual boundaries is important in all types of relationships you have. Be it between friends or even your spouses. Sexual boundaries could include the discussion of contraceptives and asking for consent.
Violations of sexual boundaries include:
- Unwanted touch
- Not asking for consent
- Sulking, punishing, or providing an ultimatum when someone does not want to engage in sexual acts
- Lying about contraceptive use
- Lying about health history
Everyone’s sexual preferences and desires differ. It is important to recognize yours and communicate them to your sexual partner(s) when engaging in sexual acts to ensure your safety and comfort.
Healthy sexual boundaries sound like these:
- “Is this comfortable for you?”
- “Would you be open to trying out this?”
- “Would you like me to use a condom?”
- “Could we cuddle instead?”
Don’t be afraid to communicate your desires and your limits to your partners. Voice out and be consistent with your boundaries. Don’t stay quiet to please others at the expense of your health and happiness.
4. Time boundaries
Time boundary addresses your time. Everyone else has different priorities, which means they utilize their time differently on different things. Setting time boundaries means understanding your priorities and managing them well to prevent overcommitting. It is important to set boundaries, be it at work, at home, or socially. Understanding your priorities helps to limit the amount of time you give to others.
Violations of the time boundary look like these:
- I was tasked to stay overnight in the office to finish up more work.
- Having to wait for someone to be late for an appointment without being given a heads up.
- Calling someone in the middle of the night and asking them to stay on the phone for an unreasonable amount of hours.
- Asking professionals for their time without any pay.
Healthy practice of time boundary looks something like this:
- I can only stay for two hours. I have another schedule after this.
- I would love to assist you in this project, but I’m currently overbooked. Some other time?
- Do you have time to spare? Would you like to go shopping with me?
- Thank you for approaching me. I’d be glad to help. My hourly rate is…
Overcommitting could negatively affect your physical and mental health. You mustn’t take on more stuff than you can carry. Delegating and prioritizing items on your list helps you recognize what is important and requires your immediate attention and what is not.
5. Material boundaries
Material boundaries address your personal material possessions, such as your car, money, home, etc. To have material boundaries is to have limits on how your possessions are treated, or when they can or cannot be used by others. It is perfectly okay to decide who you are comfortable sharing your personal items with, or if you don’t want to share at all. You don’t have to justify why. If your items are being used without your permission, stolen, or destroyed, it is perfectly acceptable to react to it. This is because your material boundary is being violated.
Examples of healthy material boundaries can sound like this:
- “I can’t afford to lend you any more money. Is there anything else I can help you with?”
- “I am okay with you wearing my dress, but if it’s okay with you, I’d prefer if I get to break in my new shoes first before you could borrow it for the party.”
- “Would you mind calling a taxi instead of using my car? I’m worried as I’m the only one with insurance.”
Having limits and being clear on your boundaries is perfectly healthy, as it avoids feelings of resentment over time.
Boundaries vary from person to person. Therefore, having an honest discussion and communicating your boundaries with others is crucial. However, setting and maintaining boundaries is difficult. Especially if you identify yourself as a people pleaser. Do you find yourself struggling to set boundaries or maintain them? Having problems communicating them to people?
Here at MINC.Care, we provide coaching, and guidance to help you. It is never too late to seek help. You deserve a high quality of life. Don’t know where to start? Contact us for coaching and other services. We are also available on Instagram and Facebook, and would love to connect with you!
Article prepared by Arinah, MINC.Care.
